A NARCISSISTIC HEART OF STONE
A NARCISSISTIC HEART OF STONE
PROTECTING YOURSELF
If you are in a relationship with someone you believe is narcissistic, it is vital to remember that you cannot be their therapist. Your primary responsibility is your own safety and mental health.
Set Boundaries: Decide what behaviors you will no longer tolerate.
Watch Actions, Not Words: Narcissistic people are often excellent at promising change; look for a sustained track record of action.
Support System: Ensure you have friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an objective "reality check."
Distinguishing between genuine remorse and the manipulative tactics often used by narcissistic individuals is one of the hardest parts of navigating these relationships. To help you tell the difference, it’s useful to understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. This cycle explains why change often feels real in the moment, even when it isn't sustainable.
THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE CYCLE
This cycle often repeats because the "Reconciliation" phase (sometimes called "Hoovering") creates a false sense of hope. During this phase, the person may act like they have changed, but their motive is often to regain control or avoid abandonment, rather than actual self-reflection.
GENUINE REMORSE vs. MANIPULATION
Here are the specific red flags and green flags to look for when someone says they want to amend their ways:
1. The "But" in the Apology Manipulation: "I'm sorry I did that, but you pushed me to it" or "I'm sorry, but you've done things just as bad." This is blame-shifting.
Genuine: "I am sorry I did that. There is no excuse for my behavior." They own the action entirely without requiring you to share the blame.
2. The Speed of Forgiveness
Manipulation: They expect immediate forgiveness and get angry or "hurt" if you are still upset. They might say, "I said I was sorry, why are you still bringing up the past?"
Genuine: They understand that trust is earned over time. They are willing to sit with your pain and answer questions, even if it’s uncomfortable for them.
3. The Motivation for Therapy
Manipulation: They go to therapy once or twice to show you they are "trying," or they go and use the sessions to talk about how you are the problem.
Genuine: They seek therapy privately, show up consistently even when things are "good" between you, and can actually share specific insights they’ve learned about their own toxic patterns.
HOW TO SET "TESTING" BOUNDARIES
If you are trying to see if change is real, you can set "experimental" boundaries. A person who is genuinely changing will respect them, even if they find them difficult. A person who is manipulating you will eventually rebel against them.
The "No" Test: Politely decline a request or say "no" to something small. A narcissistic person often reacts with "narcissistic injury" (excessive anger, the silent treatment, or guilt-tripping) when they don't get their way.
The "Time-Out" Test: Say, "I need some space to think for a few days; let's not text." A person pursuing real change will respect your need for space. A manipulator will often panic and "flood" you with messages or show up uninvited to regain control.
PROTECTING YOUR "REALITY"
When dealing with someone who has narcissistic traits, it is common to experience gaslighting, where you begin to doubt your own memory or perception of events.
GASLIGHTING is a psychological tactic used to make you question your own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. When someone is "faking" change, they often use these phrases to deflect accountability and make you feel like the "difficult" one.
Here is a checklist of common gaslighting phrases, categorized by their intent:
1. THE "INVALIDATOR" (Dismissing your feelings)
These phrases are designed to make you feel like your emotional reactions are the problem, rather than the behavior that caused them.
"You’re too sensitive / You're overreacting."
"It was just a joke; you have no sense of humor."
"You’re being dramatic / hysterical."
"Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?"
2. THE "ERASER " (Denying reality)
This is the most direct form of gaslighting, where the person flatly denies that an event occurred or that a conversation took place.
"I never said that. You’re imagining things."
"That never happened."
"You’re remembering it wrong."
"You’re putting words in my mouth."
3. THE "SHIFTER " (Turning the tables)
This tactic moves the focus away from their behavior and onto your "flaws."
"You’re the one who always starts these fights."
"If you hadn’t done [X], I wouldn't have had to do [Y]."
"You need professional help; you’re not thinking clearly."
"Everyone else thinks you're the difficult one, not me."
4. THE "PSEUDO-AMENDS" (WEAPONIZING CHANGE )
When someone is pretending to change, they use these phrases to shut down any discussion about their past behavior.
"I already apologized; why are you still stuck in the past?"
"I’m trying so hard and you’re just throwing it back in my face."
"You’re just looking for reasons to be mad at me now."
"I guess I can't do anything right in your eyes."
HOW TO GROUND YOURSELF
When you hear these phrases, it can feel like the ground is shifting beneath you. To stay anchored in reality, try these techniques:
Keep a "Reality Journal": After a conflict, write down exactly what was said and what happened. When they try to tell you "that never happened" later, you can refer to your notes to confirm your own truth.
The "Broken Record": Avoid getting into an argument about the "facts" if they are denying them. Simply state: "I know what I saw/heard, and I'm not going to argue about my own experience."
Exit the Conversation: GASLIGHTING thrives on engagement. If you feel yourself becoming confused or defensive, say: "This conversation is no longer productive. I'm going to take a walk and we can talk later when we're both calm."
🇮🇹🌹Parola D'Amore Ministries 2026
Daniele Luciano Moskal
#NarcissticAbuseAwareness
#TraumaBondRevovery
#GaslightingIsAbuse
#GreyRockMethod
#BreakingTheCycle
#SelfLove
#MentalHealthMatters
#Christianity
#GospelMotivation
#Lifehacks101
#BibleStudy
Comments
Post a Comment